Have I Made Myself Clear?

Ever feel like you're saying all the right things to someone, but they still don't get it? You might be speaking the words clearly, but perhaps you're using an approach that isn't getting your point across. When I notice clients say things like, “I told them how I felt,” or “I asked them, but I still felt misunderstood and unheard," I shift from what they were saying to how they were saying it.

I share with them about the 4 types of communication. While no single person coined them, they've become essential in assertiveness training and cognitive-behavioral therapy, helping people understand how they relate, respond, and connect with others. Another important thing to note is that our communication styles are learned. We pick them up from our families, our culture, and our early experiences. So, the good news is if they’re learned, they can also be unlearned and upgraded. Thanks, neuroplasticity!

Here are the 4 types of communication, plus how they show up, what they create, and why they matter.

1. Passive Communication It’s like a doormat—quiet, supportive, and walked all over. This is when you suppress your wants and needs to avoid conflict. You say “yes” when you want to say “no.” You’re trying to keep the peace, but in reality, it’s a lose/lose dynamic. You lose while the other person gets their way, often unknowingly. You don't communicate directly and openly, meanwhile the other person isn't given all the information to respond accordingly. Over time, this imbalance leads to resentment and tension.

   Descriptive words: Victim, submissive, conflict-averse, indecisive

   
   

2. Aggressive Communication Picture a bull in a china shop. Big presence, but lots of cleanup. This style is about dominating the conversation. Your opinions matter most, your tone is forceful, and the goal is control. It may feel powerful in the moment, but it comes at a cost. It creates a win/lose dynamic. You “win” by pushing your agenda, but the other person loses connection, felt-safety, and often loses respect for you. Relationships don’t thrive in that environment, they die.

   Descriptive words: Superior, dominating, harsh, demanding, rigid

   
   

3. Passive-Aggressive Communication This one is like smiling while handing someone a peach pie with mayo filling. It's a sneaky one. On the surface, everything seems calm—but underneath, there’s sarcasm, guilt-tripping, or subtle digs. You don’t say what you mean directly, but you secretly hope they get the message. It results in a lose/lose dynamic—neither party is really heard or respected. The tension simmers quietly, eroding trust over time.

   Descriptive words: Two-faced, preachy, resentful, manipulative, spiteful

   
   

4. Assertive Communication Think a GPS that speaks kindly and reroutes without yelling—it gets you where you need to go without making you feel lost or dumb for not knowing the directions. This is the gold standard! You express your needs, wants, and boundaries clearly and respectfully—while also listening and caring about the other person’s experience. It’s a true win/win dynamic—both people feel valued, heard, and respected. Conversations like these build connection.

   Descriptive words: Confident, clear, respectful, grounded, flexible

   
   

Once my clients learned to recognize their "default" communication type and were willing to practice assertive communication (no matter how weird it felt), their relationships did better. Conversations became less about winning and more about understanding.

Which style do you use most often? And more importantly—which one are you ready to grow into? Um, the answer is Assertive. You're ready to grow into Assertive Communication.