Deal with It

Ever found yourself dodging a tough convo or cracking a joke to lighten up a heavy topic? These are our defense mechanisms. What about going on a walk to clear your head or vent to a friend over coffee—those are our coping mechanisms. They seem similar on the surface, but these two processes play very different roles.

Think of defense mechanisms as your brain-body's automatic security system. They're sneaky, always on, and are unconscious strategies that protect you from experiencing icky emotions like anxiety or shame. You don’t even realize you’re using them! Say your boss gives you feedback and you instantly blame a coworker—this is projection or denial. These strategies help us "feel better' in the moment but ultimately don't expand our distress tolerance skills in the long run.

Coping mechanisms, on the other hand, are more mature in awareness. We want these in our proverbial toolbox! They’re conscious, intentional tools you use to face life’s messiness head-on instead of avoiding it like our defense detours. These help build the "better at feeling" skill. Think journaling, meditating, going for a run, or talking things out. These may not always be fun or easy, but at least you can say you responded with intention and it may actually help you shake what’s going on instead of storing that energy in your brain-body.

Both serve a purpose and have served you faithfully in your life, for better or worse. Let's get better at feeling. The next time you reflect on reacting to a stressor [as we all do], be curious and ask: Was I dealing or dodging? Start keeping track of your go-to responses. Awareness of patterned behaviors is the first step, but change begins with curiosity.....oh, and with kindness.